Trayvon, I'm sorry....

As things begin to wrap up with the State vs. George Zimmerman, my heart is aching.  I've taken a strong interest in the outcome of this case because I wanted to see just how fancy they'd be trying to wiggle and defend what he's done and all of the lies he's told. I was interested in seeing just how far we've progressed as a society.  Most importantly, my interest is extremely high in the outcome because  I have a son.

My son is Black.

My son is tall.  

My son is slender. 

My son is athletic.

My son is in good health.

My son has smoked weed. 

My son knows how to defend himself.

My son walks to the store sometimes when it's dark out.

My son wears hoodies and drinks Arizona Teas.

My son is NOT a suspicious person and neither was Trayvon.  

The cold and hard realization of racism, profiling, stereotyping and entitlement can not be ignored in this case.  We can all dance or slide over these underlying currants but the facts of the matter, they exist.  Nobody wants this to be a "racial" issue but it is.  Why was he ever a "suspicious person"? What made him so suspicious??? 

Because George Zimmerman didn't know him? He didn't know George Zimmerman but he didn't pursue him either.Was he suspicious because he wore a hoodie? 
I didn't know it was a particularly odd thing to cover your head when its raining.  So what made him suspicious? So suspicious and menacing that George Zimmerman became so hellbent on  "catching him" and that all of his supposed "fear" was thrown aside?  What made Trayvon suspicious?  Because he was Black.

If you're not a person of African descent, it's very hard for you to understand exactly what IT IS to be Black in America.  Being a woman of African descent, even I can't fully understand what it is to be a BLACK male in America, but I understand and can relate as I've experienced profiling personally in my life. That's not to say that non-blacks can't empathize with the experience but they will never fully understand what life is like to be measured by stereotypes for no reason other than skin color. They will never understand that WE are guilty until proven innocent, when the law clearly gives us the right to be innocent unless proven otherwise. Even in death and unable to tell his side, Trayvon is on trial and apparently, they've proven him guilty of being the one that caused his own death.

We've all speculated as to what would have happened had Trayvon been white and George had been black.  What if they were both white?  What if they were both black? What if Trayvon had the gun and killed George?  I confidently believe that if the races were switched, George would have been arrested on the night of the shooting and this case would be over and George would be on his way to prison.  If it had of been Trayvon who shot George out of self defense, he would have been on his way to prison.  It just is...what it is.  Hate me if you want, but it IS the truth from where I stand.  How sad it is a world we live in that a kid can't walk to the store without being profiled and suspected as being up to no good.  How sad it is a world we live in that a kid can't fight with all his might and will, to defend himself when he was being followed by a grown man, with a gun, that he didn't know....who was lurking....and following him.  How sad that he wasn't given the right and continues to be denied the same rights that George Zimmerman was given. Why is it that Trayvon's self defense isn't being considered in the arguments at all??  Oh, I'm sorry! My mistake it is being considered only not in the light and truth.  That ass kicking George received was him defending himself.... and they've turned it around to be Black aggression and fear for George.

The sad, sad part about this all..... *pause*........NONE of this had to happen.  It all happened because George Zimmerman MADE it happen.  

Trayvon, I'm sorry this world we live in have quantified and reduced the value of your life and the lives of so many young men, like you....like my son.  I'm sorry this world will allow people to develop games and set up Facebook pages to make sadistic, cruel and sick jokes about you.  I'm sorry the process of the law have allowed them to vilify you. I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry you will never be able to tell your side of what happened.  You will never be able to speak of what it felt like to be hunted and having to defend yourself.  You will never be able to do that and I am SO so very sorry.  I'm sorry that "beyond reasonable doubt" only applies to George Zimmerman life, yet he didn't EVER give you THAT simple courtesy the night he took your life. How ironic.  I can only pray that your family will heal from this tragedy whatever the outcome may be.  Your life mattered to SO many people.

I believe you.

Rest In Peace.....

"Iyanla - Fix my life...but make me look good"......

We will all have to face our demons, our vices and our excuses at some point in our lives.  Sometimes, its just before we close our eyes for the last time.   Each and every day you are blessed to walk, breathe and live on this side of the dirt, you know what those are.

So, let me just say this....because I may be biased in my opinion as it pertains to Iyanla Vanzant.  I have long followed her career and her teachings. I know that she is NOT the Bible.  HOWEVER, she doesn't profess to be and for anybody that should speak ill of her ways/her character - it's not about HER.  It's about you.  So let's be very clear.... if YOU think she thinks she's a certain thing....how do you know what SHE thinks?  Did you hear her declare it?  Similarly, when people crinkle their noses up at me and say..."She thinks she's cute."  Quite honestly, I don't  BUT obviously, you do!  *shrug*  I've learned a long time ago... you've gotta let people own their own trash.  Don't go rummaging through their filth.

What sparked me to write this blog is because recently, on Iyanla, Fix My Life - she met with DMX and Sheree Whitfield. If you had a chance to see it, you know these "interventions" didn't go so well.  DMX called her everything but a child of God and well, I didn't even bother to watch Sheree's episode.   I guess I'll have to watch it from DVR.  Today, I saw the headline that Sheree was very displeased with how she "looked" on the episode.  That she, like DMX, was "coerced" into the show under false pretenses.  DMX said that he agreed to do the show to help with his "addiction" to women.  Sheree said she'd do the show to help the "co-parenting" relationship with her estranged husband.

I'm sorry but how do you fix a thing if you don't know what's wrong?  So you have a problem with women, DMX and you wanted to know why? Don't be mad at her for showing you YOURSELF to help you see why.  Everything is cause and effect. You had a shitty childhood, with a wonderful Grandmother that loved you no matter what, fell in love with your wife and a drug problem....add a dash of celebrity and a shitload of money to the mix....sprinkled with groupies...and here you have your answer...BUT instead of ACKNOWLEDGING you wouldn't shut your mouth long enough to hear out your son.  Yeah, great job dad.  He's trying to tell you why HE feels the way he feels about you and all you can do is over talk him and tell him he's wrong for the way HE perceived his childhood with you.  Yep.  Golden star for listening.

As far as Ms. Sheree.... honey, the way you acted on RHOA....do you really think women would be eager to be apart of anything you put together?

"...Sheree’ is committed to empowering and inspiring single moms, divorced moms, and other women dealing with relationship and co-parenting issues. She is working on launching her own foundation which emphasizes the importance of emotional and physical wellness for all women..." (excerpt taken from Love B.Scott)

If you are afraid to be real with yourself and call foul when somebody tried to help you see YOUR ways, why would I believe anything you have to say?  I'm just saying, I'm not interested in any information that she would ever advise about relationships.  Now, her body was nice so if physical wellness is about looking good.... hey, sign me up!  But she need to stay in her lane.  You can't get it right with your own self so good luck with that venture.

I think what it boils down to with everybody running to Iyanla and then can't take the truth is because it truly is about SEEING WHO YOU REALLY ARE in the equation.  BEING HONEST with yourself.  You can lie to the world....but you really do yourself an extreme disservice.  Lying to yourself only make you defensive, on guard and ready to strike because you fear exposure.  That FEAR shows up as neglect, dishonesty, untrustworthy, drug abuse and bad relationships.... but they don't get that.

So, I  can only appreciate what Iyanla attempted to do for these people and anybody else that seeks her guidance but if you're not willing to do the work.... why bother?

Rudy.... girl bye.....

I just got wind of this latest controversy (*gasp* I just realized I'm turning into a gossip blog! yiiikeess!!)  

Well..... whatever......I had to say something about this.....

So, Keshia Knight Pulliam tried to get up in her emotions and say that the pictures of her, caught by the paps,  training for the new competition swim/diving show "Splash" were "modified" to make her look unflattering.  Girl please....you need to stop it.  I lost so much respect for you Rudy for even going there.  Just stop.

The pictures were by no means "unflattering".  You were training. In a pool. Looking normal. As a matter of fact, you looked great for a sister that's been in chlorine for hours with wet hair!   GTFOH!  This ol' Baby Beyonce' tantrum is too much.  Really. Just stop.

You're trippin' on these pictures goes against your "inspiration" that you spoke of on Wendy Williams.  You spoke of not having African American female representation in the competitive diving arena and your organization is all about instilling purpose and drive in young women and this was an opportunity for you to be the example....but then you turn around on some ol' Hollywood vanity shit and claim foul on these pictures.  HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN???

Let me guess.... you wanted or expected to look like the promo pictures? 

I could go on and on about how you have just perpetuated the whole notion that if you don't look like the promo picture, which is OBVIOUSLY photoshopped, that you some how aren't beautiful.  Being a person that have developed an organization to  mentor young ladies, to empower them to believe in themselves and strengthen their confidence so they believe they're beautiful, however they come.... is SUCH a contradiction..... hypocritical even.  This is the stuff that make girls bulemic/anorexic, go get cement/fix-a-flat butt shots and spend thousands of dollars in plastic surgery....because celebrities....try to make it that they looks photoshopped all day, every day.....and you don't.  You are normal people just like us.....and US take "ugly" pictures sometimes. *shrug*

Yes, we all get snapped taking a picture that we don't like of ourselves....get caught in an "unflattering" angle or light.  We all get to see the picture first and we all have said, "uuuggghh girl...delete that one, take another one" - that's the normal natural "keeping it real" side of us who playfully want to be immortalized in the best way possible....but to go as far as to say...."it was edited" is pretty lame.  Shame on you.

All I'm saying is this, own up to the "ugly" pictures....so what!  You're human.....most of us mere mortals look at the ugly pictures after years passed and laugh like shit about how "ugly" they are.

Keep it real.

Vanilla Soul.....

Hey puddin'..... this post is totally random but hey, I'm back.

I just had to come and talk about this..... I had to tell somebody.... anybody.... 

Did you all watch the Grammy's..... and did you see Justin Timberlake's segment?  Performing his new joint, "Suit & Tie"?  Yeah, the one with Jay Z.....well the song that he did after Suit & Tie???  Yes!  That's my shit!!!


Didn't know the name of it but I found out today that it's, "Pusher Love Girl"..... oh emm gee!  

When I first heard, "Suit & Tie" I wasn't sure how I felt about it... I mean, I liked it....I was so glad to see JT was back doing music but then the video was all classic and whatnot - something I LOVE.... the whole sexy, black and white, old Hollywood glamour and mystery so I was sold.  But when he hit me with this "Pusher Love Girl" .....

Yesssss baby!
JT is BACK!!! 

I am such a fan of Justin.  He comes off as a real cool dude.  I could be wrong because I only know what I see, but he seems to be an upstanding character. His music has always been on point and most everything I've seen him in as an actor I've NJoyed.  Don't get me started on how much I LOVE his skits on SNL! hahahaha! He's hella funny.   I love that he is doing his "Grown Man" thing right now and I'm hoping that the rest of the 20/20 is as dope as what's "previewed" so far.

But before I finish this up....I had to put this out there.

Do you guys know about my sexy British Beefcake boyfriend, Daniel de Bourg?  No?  Whaaaatttt.... honey, get in to it!  Well, I had to include his YouTube because he RIPPED this song.... and it ain't even "out" yet!  um um ummm!!  Delicious!

Eye for an I.....

By now I'm sure many of you have heard about the manhunt for Christopher Jordan Dorner.  If not, here's a link to the story:

Rogue Cop - The Manhunt

*sigh*

I didn't really pay attention to the headlines at first.  I thought it was another "civilian" gone mad....but it got interesting enough for me to pay attention when I realized it was a cop who was on this actual killing rampage.  Why did that make it worthwhile to begin to follow?  Well, cops are suppose to be the good guys and a cop turning on cops....*shrug*....is interesting.  Now, I'm like, "WHAT made him snap"? So, I'm paying a little bit more attention to it.

I have read some of his manifesto.  It's pretty long....but here's the link if you want to read it.  Honestly, it's far too much for me to read and ain't nobody got time for that...but I think I got the jest of it.  

So.....what do I think?

Thanks Tupac.  I couldn't have said it better myself.

If you didn't watch the video, basically what he said was and I'm SO putting this into my own words:

"I asked nicely more than once, more than twice....I'm tired of asking...so now you're just gonna give me what I want....by any means necessary".

Horrible summation so you should probably hear him say it....plus.....the visual is much better.

Hate me if you will, but it's the truth.

I DO NOT - DO NOT - DO NOT condone what he's doing but....*thinking*  I guess I can see how and why he snapped.  Is it really a secret of how corrupt LAPD is?  If it is, where the hell have you been?

I've always heard about this "code" - basically that cops don't rat out other cops.  No matter what it is:  Drug abuse, drug trafficking, sexual exploitation, domestic violence....even murder.  So if anybody goes against the grain of that, they're cast out of the circle and blackballed, for life.  When good guys become the real bad guys, the real good guys become the bad guys for not being the good guys to protect the bad guys that want to look like good guys.  A little confusing but I'm sure you got it.....or you just didn't want to get it.  It's irony at it's finest.

So, Dorner's position of fighting for his name and honor - for doing what was "right" through all these years, fighting for the freedoms and protection of our country, only to be blackballed and unable to work because his name, his reputation, his legacy has been tarnished......*thinking*.....yeah, I could the desperation and frustration, the feeling of being slapped in the face. If he had children, they will suffer from this too....so yeah, this is a dark hole with no light.   I don't think he's going about it the right way....but who's going to listen to him.  Who's gonna give him the opportunity to live/leave this life with dignity?

Nobody.

Especially not now.  

He has nothing to lose.

Yeah, he could have gone away without this HORRIFIC situation at hand.  NOBODY should be dead right now....nobody!!  So please don't misconstrue my words to support his actions in any way.....EVER.  I think killing people to make a point is the DUMBEST thing that ANYBODY could ever do.  Beside, there's no point in me saying, he deserves to be punished so severely even it if means the death penalty because as far as he's concerned, he died a long time ago and I'm not foolish enough to think he's coming out of this alive...taken by his hand or theirs.

Let this be yet another reason why stiffer gun laws are necessary and let this be a reminder to the police officers who take an OATH to uphold the law, protect the people of each and every borough, ghetto, city, town, state, crack and/or crevice, that YOU are not above the law,  you're under it just like the rest of us....not everybody will or want to abuse their authority!

The real sad part about this story.....not even that innocent people have died......but that innocent people will die.  Innocent people will still be hurt, killed, mistreated by these kinds of cops and 9-11 calls will continued to be ignored or taken when "they're ready to respond".  The sad part is that bad cops will still unlawfully detain and exercise excessive force on detainees.  The sad part is that ALL of these allegations will be swept back under the rug....again.  This unfortunate situation will be just another blip on the radar of "unfortunate situations".

“Tempt not a desperate man.”

William Shakespeare

It's Friday!

Well hello beautiful people!

Yes, yes, yes!  We've made it to Friday and for that I am grateful.  It's pay day too.....

and the rents due.... 

hahahaha, yep..... that's pretty much what Friday's are like for me now.  Well, at least the first Friday of the month.  Looking back through the years, I noticed how "Friday" changed for me.

When I was a kid, I couldn't wait until Friday!! That meant I didn't have to get up early for school the next day.  I could possibly have friends sleepover or I could go sleepover at a friends house!!!  Friday's meant Saturday morning cartoons and my mom ALWAYS cooked a bomb ass breakfast on Saturday and Sunday. Yeeeeessss! Friday was the gateway to happiness!

Then in my "early twinkling twenties" I couldn't wait for Friday to come!  That meant I didn't have to get up early for work the next day...not that it mattered because I'd party  6 days a week and still go to work the next day. Fridays meant, I could possibly have a friend sleep over or sleep over at a friends (hehehehehe...)...Friday's meant taking the kids to my parents so I can go out and PARTTTTTTAY!  Friday's meant getting wasted and not worrying about trying to pull myself together because I could literally turn myself into a hermit crab and nurse my hangover.  And during this time...when I would move back to my parents....and didn't have rent... Friday's meant I was going SHOPPING!!! Woooo whoo!

Going into my late twenties - early 30's, Fridays meant....THANK GOD I don't have to come to work tomorrow to see these people anymore.  One more day of this bullshit and I'd be catching a case and ain't nobody got time for that.  Fridays meant the beginning of a weekend getaway to relax or it meant spending a day out with the kids so I can act juvenile enough to let out my stress.  Fridays meant that after work, I'd be finding me a good hard shot of some kind of alcohol, not to get drunk, but just to even out.....to unwind.... and friends don't spend the night much anymore....

Now at my age...Fridays mean I just need to get up out of bed before 10am because I have to get to the bank and post office before they close....so I can come back home and do everything that I didn't have time to do during the week - laundry, cleaning: bathrooms, kitchen, carpets, washing my hair....Payday Friday, only means my phone will ring less because I was able to stuff a bill in somebody's mouth about the services I'm using....cable, pg & e, smud...... RENT.  hahahaha...

So yeah...., Friday's don't quite feel the same anymore.

My eyes are bleeding!!! INCEPTION!

Happy Wednesday!!

So, I wanted to share with you all a bit of a dream I had.... last night.....or this morning.... I don't know....while I was sleep.

ANYWHO......

What I can remember, I was washing makeup off of my face and I believe there was a guy with me...and I think it was somebody that I like....*thinking*....I'm fuzzy on that but while I'm trying to recall what happened, I'm getting the feeling that there was somebody there with me that I didn't want to be embarrassed and I'm feeling "love" or "affection".....that fuzzy feeling when you're around somebody you like.....yeah, that's the feeling that I'm having right now.

So, why this person is around me while I'm cleaning my face, I have no idea.  Because 1.) my hygiene maintenance is sacred private time... and 2.)  If I'm with a person that I'm crushing on....ain't NO way I'm taking off my makeup! hahahahaha  so you know this was a dream. hahahahaha!   So anyway, I'm wiping my eyes and I guess my fingernail cut the inside of my eyelid.  Blood started to pour out from my eye...and I grabbed a towel and went to find somebody to help.  

I found my dad and although I don't remember seeing her....I know my mom was there....because I could feel her.  So he looked into my eye and he said, "let's go to the hospital".  My mom (yeah, I see her now)....says, "Let me look" and when I lifted my eyelid, blood spilled out, running down my face, dripping to the carpet.  

Well, that's about as much as I remember but when I got to work today, I decided to look up the symbolic meaning of "bleeding eyes".  I'm very much into dream interpretation so I found it to be very interesting that it said this: 

Bleeding Eyes (Via Dream Moods)
To dream that your eyes are bleeding symbolizes the sacrifices your have made and the difficulties you have endured. Alternatively, the dream signifies some very deep pain or internal conflict within your soul. Although you may not feel any physical pain, you are hurting inside. Perhaps you have been hiding the pain for so long that you forgot what pain feels like. There is some unrest or uneasiness within which needs to be addressed and resolved immediately.

And on Go To Horoscope - Dream Dictionary

When you dream about eyes, the dream may be telling you that you need to literally look within yourself for an important answer to a problem you may be having, or that the answer you seek may have been right before your eyes all along. Alternatively, dreaming about one eye usually means that you are being too one sided on a particular viewpoint, and maybe you should open yourself up to new perspectives. 

If you knew me and my journey..... you would know why I'm all like "WOW" right now.  You'd know why this all makes sense to me. My life has been of many sacrifices and within the last 10 years or so, I've lost people that I just didn't think would ever go away and when they did, I didn't know how I'd make it without them.  The lost of my father and my sister, left pain so deep there were moments that I just knew I'd snap.  The internal conflict is very familiar and personal.  There's some current family situations that do have my uneasy and I guess the message from the dream is to get them resolved....and NOW! I just don't know if I should say something... or just let it go....if I do say something...how do I say it.....it's just a lot.....*sigh*

I have always been pretty intuitive.....and I get messages a lot in my dreams. I noticed this "gift" when I was about 11, or 12.  My grandmother was killed in a train crash and that was the first time I EVER really dealt with death and dying.  So one night after she had been buried... I had a dream I went to visit her.  It felt soooo real.  Now mind you, this dream was over 25 years ago....and I remember it like I just had it last week!  The message she left with me, came to be......and when it did......I just cried....because she told me....in my dream.....it would happen.

I guess this is probably why I enjoyed the movie Inception so much. I know to some of you the concept of thinking was SO far out that it got confusing....and the only thing that I didn't "accept" was them being able to get into each others dreams.  But the general premise of how dreams work....I was so into it.

So, I think I better.....pay attention to this.... and act accordingly.

Have you ever had a dream.....that came true?