This morning, I stopped at this small convenient store to re-up on my sugar and instant coffee for my desk at work. Yeah, I'm on my way to work.....with telling evidence of my slightly more fashionable clothes...well, let's call them my "grown up and ironed" clothes...and clue numero uno *drum roll* my badge hanging from my neck on a lanyard. The noose of employment!
So, I'm standing there....dude ringing up my order....I pass him my debit card....slap my son's hand for continuously trying to put extra shit on my tab....punch in my code....grab my stuff....and some how or another....I think I had to turn to hit or say something to my son again.... and my eyes like...locked with this chick in line....and she whispers....as she's pulling out her's....."Did you use your EBT card"?
I tried to process the question quickly because I needed to answer her. I mean, I'm not rude most of the time....but it completely processed and although I gave her a small half smile and a slight shake of my head and mouthed "no".....on the inside I was like
Now, as you read on.....don't think this is me climbing up on my soapbox to look down on anybody that receive government assistance. At one point in my life, for 2 1/2 years of it - I was a recipient of AFDC (Aid for Families with Dependent Children)....yep....I got "a check". I got food stamps....I got Medi-Cal. I got WIC. I went to school for free. I did the whole 9. I.....was....on.....welfare.
And....I fuckin' hated it.
I hated going to "recertify". I hated the way the office smelled, not to mention some of my fellow recipients. I hated the way the case workers talked to me. I hated how long it took to be seen. I hated the way they judged me, looking me up and down. I hated the questions they asked. I hated the glamorous office decor à la concrete & plastic. I hated when I didn't get my check or something was wrong with my aid because that meant I had to go to this place that I hated so much...and endure ALL those things that I HATE......But I needed it. I needed to put food on the table. I needed access to some kind of healthcare. So, yeah. That was my life.
I know that everything I hated is probably set up and designed strategically that way so that people would hate it just as much as I do and did....so they would be encouraged to go get a job. Well, it worked for me. I know it's not a lifestyle and I had no intentions on staying aid dependent like so many people do. Government aid is there to HELP people, help themselves. AND that is what I support. BUT people have made this a "lifestyle" and because I know how belittling it was then....and how the system really does work from a "tough love" angle, that "break-you-down-to-nothing-so-you'll-build-yourself-up" tactic just to get a check that barely puts food on the table for the month and gives them the right to ask you all kinds of personal questions....yeah, it kinda pisses me off and makes me feel a certain kind of way when somebody thinks or assume that I might be the proud owner of an EBT card! Bitch no.
The struggle is real over here.....hahahahaha! Even though I work every day...for the last 15 - 16 years.....Shooo, I wish I had a fuckin' EBT card!! (no, I really don't...I love working, I love having a job...and I don't want the universe to respond to that....it's just me talking shit. Kay? Thank you.) I get by....some times better than other times....but I work hard for what I have...
But come on.... is that how we communicate to each other? Is that the ties that bind us? Is it because I'm Black that you would just assume that I had an EBT card? Or even know what it is? True story: I just asked my mom yesterday "so their cash aid is on the same card as their food stamps"? I really didn't know. I thought a check still came in the mail. My bad. *shrug*
"Hey girl...how you doing. You use yo EBT"?
It was like she took everything that I've ever worked for in all these years and reduced me to this snob ass bitch, looking down my nose. Yes, I am and was insulted.
"How dare you?"
*in my old white lady British accent*
When we were kids, my Ganny used to send us to the store with food stamps (the paper kind) and it would embarrass us....why? I don't know... cuz it seemed like every damn body in the neighborhood had 'em. Maybe it's because she also always taught us that just because "you don't have money or don't have a lot of things....YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK OR ACT like it. We may be poor but people don't need to know, keep your business to yourself"...(I love my Ganny....*sigh*) And yes, if somebody was like..."I got some stamps. If you take me to the store, I'll get you some food too".... hell to the fuckin' yeah....that's whatchu call barterin'....and yes, I. Takes. Advantage. *rolling my eyes*
But sweetheart, don't be presumptuous....oh...and while we're on presumption....do you realize that just made you to be just as racist as a republican trying to take away aid (never mind who really needs it or not) just because they believe the majority receiving aid are Black and other minority folks.....because republicans hate black folk....and how do I know....because Kanye said so.
OH - and another thing....
IF I DID USE AN EBT CARD, WHAT BUSINESS IS THAT OF YOURS??? DIDN'T YOU SEE MALCOLM X??
GETCHO HAND OUTTA MY POCKET!!!
geesh.... ol' nosey ass.....ugggh!
All jokes aside....I know I'll have to go reprocess this and resolve why it insulted me so much. I know she didn't mean any harm or disrespect...she was decently pulled together (and not trying to judge but come on....you can tell people that's had at least some kind of home training) so it could have taken her just as much courage to "out" herself....I mean, *shrug*...she could be feeling exactly how I felt about receiving aid.....so this is clearly about me. And I know...there is nothing - NOTHING - that makes me better than or incapable of falling into her situation....whatever that may be. Truly, with this economy, I fear it every day. I pray that I never have to ever need aid again.
*exhale*
*exhale*
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